Hi! We are so, so very glad you chose our humble restaurant as the place to get your meal for the day. Study the menu carefully, and make your selection. We have a wide variety of tasty treats, sure to please even the pickiest of eaters.
Frolic Bread: Ten slices of bread seasoned with garlic squeezin’s, our secret blend of herbs, and a sprinkling of arsenic.
The Big Boy: Combining 300 kg of black angus beef with a bun fifty sizes too small, this delightful treat is excellent as a light snack on the go.
The Salad: The Salad never changes. It consists of a bowl filled with uranium.
The Atom Smasher: One of our waiters will come to your table and put you in a headlock. Another waiter will then arrive armed with a large hammer. The rest of your family can enjoy the particles you left behind after the process is done. Not recommended for those with a peanut allergy.
Negative Fries: Eating these will actually make you hungrier. The perfect starter for a long night of devouring. Don’t eat more than two.
The Chef’s Selection: The chef takes a swig of whiskey and throws whatever he can find on the grill. This may or may not include other restaurant personnel.
A Peanut: An authentic, homemade peanut. May contain traces of nuts.
Wizard’s Delight: A plate of woodchips, molten rock, and fairy blood. The woodchips are gathered from a real wizard wand.
Flesh: A heap of meat from around 4 to 6 randomly selected animals. The options are Cow, Fish, Elf, Horse, Ox, Goldfish, Duck, Mouse, Owl, Bear, Dog, Cow, Mouse, and Pig.
A true delight for any meat veteran.
The Chef’s Recommendation: Our chef comes to your table and tells you exactly what you should order, based on a palm reading. Do not lock eyes with The Chef.
FOOD: A solid, gray block of nutrition. It is delicious. You love FOOD.
This Painting We Found In The House: It’s a painting of a clown, crying in the rain and clutching a bottle of whiskey. It is said that eating this will grant you mystical powers.
A Full Canister Of Nitrous Oxide: We modify our whipped cream dispensers to dispense nitrous instead of whipped cream. Open wide and get ready for the ride of a lifetime.
Dentist’s Shame: Three scoops of icecream, a banana, an orange, a peanut, a bucket of tootsie rolls, mustard, owl shavings, paint thinner, grape soda, assorted amphetamines, salt, rocks, bone marrow, and a cherry on top.
Soup: Why is this on the dessert menu? Why aren’t there any ingredients listed? Some questions best remain unanswered.
Cosmic Latte: Coffee so good, it’ll blow your mind. We mean it. It’ll scorch every synapse in your brain as it attempts to register what the fuck you just drank.
Soda: Various offbrand sodas, like Dr. Preppy, Cloaca Cola, Dr. John’s Peanut Ale, Flinta and Orongo mixed in a bathtub and then funneled straight into your stomach through a tube.
The Bad Bourbon: We searched high and low for the worst bourbon this planet has to offer, and we finally found it. Serving this to a prisoner of war is considered a breach of the galactic code.
Wizard’s Phlegm: Exactly what it says on the tin.
The Chef’s Wrath: The Chef comes over and talks some sense into you after he realizes you haven’t ordered anything all evening. What do you think you are doing? Who do you work for? Who sent you?