You hear that?
That’s the sound of me popping your cherry. Your WRITING cherry, that is! Come on now. You might have penned a couple of fantasy works, written a short story on the meaning of life, or written a cutesy poem or two. It doesn’t matter. Nothing you write matters unless you get that sweet, sweet revenue and do everything exactly the way I tell you. You can trust me, I published a book once. (By the way, you can order Seven Ways To Scam A Dipshit Out Of Ten Dollars on Amazon for only $10 today.)
6. Abandon all hope
What, you thought you were going to be posting something original? Get real. In today’s society, you can not reasonably expect to put out something creative or new without rehashing the same shit everyone else has done. As an exercise, try writing the article you’re reading now, switch up the words a bit, and put your own name under it. It’s how the pros do it. You want to earn a living, don’t you?
5. Murder your darlings
That’s right. Take the knife. Look into their pleading eyes.
You know what to do.
4. Write every day
What does the substance matter? Just put some words on there and it’ll automatically make you More Gooderer at writing eventually. Ideally, you should write an entire novel each week to maximize skill growth and profit once you dump them on Amazon. It doesn’t have to be good. Writing is all about repeating the same three actions over and over until you get it right, and feedback is a myth invented by FEMA to justify their prison camps.
3. Make Connections
Listen buddy, if you want to succeed in the field, you best start bending over for other publications right now. C’mere.
There we go. You’re going to write a guest article for my blog now. I’m not going to pay you and am DEFINITELY not expecting you to write anything actually readable. Just write something. Put your hand down my pants, while you do it. I like that.
That’s right. Keep doing that. Write that listicle.
2. Give up your romanticism
In 2019, art and business aren’t mutually exclusive. Discard your rose-coloured glasses and stop trying to write something profound or thoughtful. No one cares about the topic you’d like to write about, trust me. None of it. Just spin a wheel with a bunch of genres of the week and throw a dart at it, and it’ll be a whole lot better, even if you’ve never had experience writing about that particular topic! After all, no one is interested in hearing people write about things they actually have passion for. Get real.
I mean, fantasy with complex moral systems that aren’t just grey vs grey? Really? Who the fuck do you think you are, Hemingway? Stick to the young adult post-apoc magic power fiction, jackass. You’ll earn more money and make my dick harder that way. Get that hand back in my pants. Yeaaaah.
1. Market your content
If you fill any of the following categories, you have zero right to complain:
- You haven’t written a guest article on another blog yet
- You haven’t had email contact with a fellow writer yet
- You haven’t bought my book yet
- You haven’t killed a man for his wallet yet
- You don’t have a blog
- You don’t have a facebook account
How are people going to find your content? Just by word-of-mouth and sheer quality? Fuck off. You need big data on your side. Contact Shady Joe, he’s got a bunch of really cheap email adress lists that you can just dump full of spam. Guaranteed clicks, buddy. Just do it.
How much have you actually written? Five pieces? Fifty? Fivehundred?
How about fivethousand, huh? You ever think about writing more, jackass? You don’t write enough. You’re nothing. I’ve written in the language of the stars and was born with ink in my veins. The moon wrote fanmail to me and I have had email contact with astral beings during a DMT experience. My shaman watched on in horror the entire time. He was too weak.
Kneel to me, swine. Kneel, and write more. And get that damn hand back in my pants.
Disclaimer: This article is satirical, and meant to lampoon the trend I’ve noticed of self-described writing geniuses offering faulty advice full of vitriol and cynicism to rake in as much money from writing (read: making articles about articles about articles and the ever-nebulous term “blogging”) as possible. Don’t take anything I say here as my personal view. Go write whatever the fuck you want, even if it’s not for profit or to accomplish some goal.