Everyone knows Elvis Presley. Everyone LOVES Elvis Presley. We know you love this man. You probably know everything about him. I can smell it on you. You consider yourself an Elvis geek. A regular detective, scouring for info on The King every hour of your life. But you don’t know everything.
Elvis was a big eater.
He started every day with an entire canned ham, and towards lunch he would usually be found snacking on bowls of jellied eels and unbaked cookie dough. His favourite food was reported to be the “Fools Gold Loaf”. The recipe is as followed: A large hollowed out loaf of bread, filled with one jar of peanut butter, one jar of grape jelly, one jar of bacon, one jar of bread, a canned ham, various cured and smoked meats, eyelashes, congealed hog’s blood, and a jar of jellied eels.
Elvis HATED His Fans.
There were many people in life that Elvis Presley loathed. His fans were all of them. His mansion was guarded by his own private army, the Blue Sues. These men and women were known for their cruelty, from crucifying people asking for autographs to draping the gates of his home in entrails as a warning to potential enemies. Elvis himself was once quoted saying: “I fucking hate these people. I wish they went away. I never should have done it. I never should have forgotten Master’s scent. It seriously puts a damper on the mood, man. I can’t enjoy my ham like this. This has to stop.”
Elvis died twice.
This one might come as a surprise. We all know Elvis died on a toilet in 1977, right? But no, the truth is far more sinister than that. Elvis has died once before that time. Listening to the album “Having Fun With Elvis On Stage” backwards reveals a message from The King himself, composed of him yelling obscenities at an unknown foe as loud sounds are heard, indicating someone or something trying to bash down his door. He clearly states that he is hiding behind his desk, wielding a snub-nose revolver, and can be heard firing off shots at his assailants. The moment the message ends, a loud crack of splintering wood is heard, followed by soft squelching.
Elvis had a clone.
Elvis’s clone was known simply as “Filthy Elvis” to him and his inner circle. Filthy Elvis was known for his crass language and rude demeanor, very few people who knew of his existence would claim to like him or be friends with him. Filthy Elvis was a heavy smoker, never seen in public without at least five lit cigarettes in his mouth. He had pubic hair growing through his jumpsuit, which has fused with his skin from the moment he got released out of the vats. He had no eyes, but chose to disguise this with a large pair of tacky sunglasses, which he never took off. On his rare dealings with the public, he would impersonate Elvis Prime, doing the same moves and sometimes replacing him during a concert when Elvis Prime felt down. Eventually the false fame rose to his head, and Filthy Elvis was shot during a standoff with the police in 1955. His death would go unmentioned to the public, and he was buried in an unmarked grave, somewhere in Death Valley national park.
Elvis looked like an angel.
He fooled people with his kisses, he cheated, he schemed, he told lies. No one saw through him until years after his second death. No one knew of his sadism, his creativeness in his killings, or his fortified bunker in Memphis. It wasn’t until 1985 that an unknown private detective stumbled upon his bunker, snuck inside, and discovered The King’s now-famous “pain barn”. The man remained anonymous, and simply delivered an unmarked envelope full of photos and a severed finger to the Mephis Police Department.
Elvis never apologized for “Having Fun With Elvis On Stage”.
Even years after it got released and panned by critics and fans alike, he maintained his view that it was a “really good album” and “contained some fucking good tunes”. However, there’s substantial evidence that Elvis quite regretted and was deeply hurt by the reception to it. He would be found staring out of his window, crying and drinking liquor from an old fruit jar for most of his days until his eventual second death.
Elvis had a secret, hidden album.
Known to true fans as the infamous “Fuck You” album, this album has been almost completely wiped off the face of the earth. There were only five copies in existence, and four of them were sealed in Elvis’s secret catacombs. The fifth one was found in an industrial furnace, completely unharmed by the flames roaring around it. After employees fished it out, they played it and noticed that though the record was still functional, it played only a demonic wail of some sorts, followed by the song “Nothin’ But A Hound Dog” repeated thirtyseven times, with Elvis sounding more and more exhausted after every loop. By the end, The King lets loose a wet, hacking cough, and the record stops after you hear the sound of a brick being thrown at high speed hitting something fleshy.
Elvis was president of the united states for five minutes.
No one knows how this happened. The King immediately seized the moment and used it to his favour, by legalizing torture on prisoners of war and naming the long-deceased Joseph Grimaldi as his vice-president. After he was forcibly escorted out of the white house, he fired off a .308 caliber rifle round at a random passerby, vomited into a gutter, and collapsed. Paramedics escorted him to his home, and applied strong amnesiac drugs to make sure he did not remember the event.