Short Stories Silly Lists

As Seen On TV

[THE SELLEVISION LOGO FADES. LARRY WALKS ON STAGE, CARRYING A STACK OF PAPERS.]

Good evening, tv-watching folks! Welcome once again to Sellevision, the completely televised catalogue of things you didn’t KNOW you needed!

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

I’m your host, Larry. Yknow, from accounting? That Larry. Hiya!

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

So. Y’know, we’ve got some uh, some real good stuff for you on offer today. It’s a very special episode, after all. Can’t air a program without doing a Dependence Day special, hehe.

Without further ado, let’s get right into it.

So, you see, what we got here is… ah, it’s lovely. This one’s a winner, folks. It’s a real beaut. Ever wanted to know the human skeleton like the back of your hand? This Do-It-Yourself Anatomy Set is bound to please your desires. See, it comes with everything you need. All the various bonesaws and scalpels, a diagram or two, some disinfectant, a rag… all you need is your subject. Pets, people, plants! You name it, you can dissect it!

[AUDIENCE CLAPS]

Alright alright, settle down everybody. It’s not that good. Not when you see what else we have. In any case, the whole package, it’s yours for 50 bucks. That’s fifty united states dollars. Call within the next fifteen minutes, you get two. Delight a friend!

[THE SELLEVISION LOGO APPEARS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN. NEXT TO IT IS A PHONE NUMBER.]

Alright, so this next one it’s… uh, it’s a doozy. You see, here we go. Truly you too have problems at home with those cupboards, right? You open em, and stuff falls out, and it makes a mess, and it’s really really bad… Heh. Yeah, well we’ve got a solution. See this is… uh…

[LARRY WHISPERS TO A STAGEHAND. DIGITAL ENHANCEMENT IDENTIFIED WORDS SUCH AS “…A fucking padlock…” AND “…Expect me to sell this shit…”]

A-hem. So, this is the Mess-Bye Inc. Cupboard Protector. It seals the doors to that one cupboard you got. Protect stuff with it, if you want. You could probably use it on something else too, go wild. Twenty bucks, it’s yours.

[VIDEO SNIPPET OF WOMAN FAILING TO OPERATE A CUPBOARD]

[AUDIENCE GASPS]

Alright, cool it you guys. We’ve got a lot of stuff to get through, so uh, just… just bear with me alright? Stop trying to rush me.

So, this, this is a real gem ladies and gents. Ever woke up one morning, hungry for something to snack on, yet there was nothing in the house to suit your tastes? Why not try Peanut? It’s uh, it really is one! It’s a peanut, folks. There you have it.

[FANFARE SNIPPET PLAYS, AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Hold on, I haven’t even explained what you can do wi- Y’know what, forget it. Figure it out yourself. Let’s just swiftly move on.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS UPROARIOUSLY]

Yeah, this is good. This product is a good one. Having trouble gathering out in the woods, because your friends keep getting chilly? Need something to impress that new Being you are trying to appease? Why not try MayaTek Insulated Robes?

Whether you are worshiping a forbidden legume or the patron saint of apathy, just put these on and immediately give your prayers that little bit ‘extra’ that we all want. 70 bucks, but you can pay it over the course of 4 months if you can’t do that.

[AUDIENCE CHANTS SOFTLY]

Nice. Good stuff, use it myself all the time. Company meeting room has this really awful air conditioning we can’t turn off. Alright, what’s next… uh… Yeah!

Tired? Hungry? Thirsty? Need a pick-me-up? Going out to town with friends, and want to liven up the evening? Why not try out a vial of Crow Dust? You can get a tryout pack for free if you just call the number on the screen. It’s some pretty good stuff. I use it every day before I go to work, and man, lemme tell you, meetings become a lot more fun when you can only focus on counting the number of molecules in your fingernails.

Completely replaces whatever your body craves. Hunger is gone, thirst is no more. Side effects may include nausea, vomiting, headaches, organ liquification, and kidney stones.

First one’s free! Rest will cost ya. Dunno how much, don’t care enough to remember. Anyways…

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

GOD, CAN YOU JUST CALM THE HELL DOWN FOR A SECOND?

Alright, that’s better.

[LARRY GRABS PISTOL FROM HIS POCKET]

So what we got here is pretty good, I use it on a daily basis. It’s called a Glock 17.

The 9x19mm Glock 17 is the most widely used law enforcement pistol worldwide and is one of the best selling handguns to civilians in the USA. Because of its unsurpassed reliability, above-average magazine capacity of 17 rounds and its low weight, it is trusted by law enforcement officers and security professionals worldwide. It is safe, easy and quick to use through the revolutionary “Safe Action” trigger system. Glock 17 – designed for professionals. 

475 dollars, give or take. No haggling.

[FANFARE SNIPPET FROM EARLIER PLAYS. LARRY LOOKS VISIBLY UNNERVED. HE IS STILL HOLDING THE PISTOL.]

Okay, I know what’s going to happen now. You’re gonna cheer. They’ll expect me to just stand here and take it. Alright, I get it. I get what they want from me. They’re not going to get it though. Not today.

[AUDIENCE GASPS]

That’s right. I’m done with this. I’m done with all of you. And I’m done with that bozo over there manning the lights.

[LARRY TAKES AIM]

Goodnight, funnyman.

[LARRY FIRES OFF FOUR SHOTS. A SOFT THUMP IS HEARD AS A BATTERED CLOWN BODY HITS THE GROUND.]

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

STOP IT! GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

[LARRY WILDLY FIRES HIS PISTOL. FLESHY IMPACTS ARE HEARD AS NUMEROUS AUDIENCE MEMBERS ARE STRUCK.]

STOP IIIIT! PLEASE!

[APPLAUSE]

GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD!

[LARRY FIRES A SHOT AT THE CAMERA, WHICH IMMEDIATELY FALLS TO THE GROUND. FILMING CONTINUES FROM THE FLOOR.]

It’s over. It has to be over. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t go back. I can’t go back. I can’t go back.

[ONE LAST GUNSHOT IS HEARD]

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

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